top 99 whatsapp jokes and messages
Here is the biggest and latest collection of best jokes and messages that you can share on whatsapp.
1. Girlfriend :”Last night I had a dream of you.”
Boyfriend (got excited):”Maine kya kiya tumhare sapne mein aa ke”
Girlfriend replied :”We were traveling in bus,
Suddenly the bus lost control and fell in the river.
Everyone swam to save their life,
but you were still swimming and
searching for someone.”
Boyfriend (with luv):”I was searching for you, na?
Girlfriend said: NO, You were
“Arrey, conductor kidhar gaya, 2 rupaye lene the”
2. If “CHEMISTRY” students start making films,
the names would like:
* Tera acid mera base.,
* Rang de Benzene
* Hamara beaker apke pas hai
* Life in a Hetero
* Laga apron me daag
* 3 test tubes
* Ajab Estimation ka gajab result
* Munna bhai HCL
* My name is ester
* Mr. Ketone
* Jab we experiment . . . !
??DIALOGUE BAAZI in CHEMISTRY:
* The name is BOND… Covalent Bond!
* Rishtey mein to hum tumhare Allotrope
lagte hain, naam hai… Diamond! (*)
* D-block se darr nahi lagta saheb, F-block se
* Ek baar jo maine bond toda to main
Activation Energy ki bhi nahi sunta! ?
* Resonance ko neglect karna mushkil hi nahi,
* Yeh Electron mujhe de de, Carbon!
* Ek chutki Hydrogen ki keemat tum kya jano,
Thermodynamics abhi baaki hai, mere dost!
Ek Room⛪ me 5 dost rehte the.
4. Koi Nahi?
Ek Din Koi Nahi? ne Kisi?Ko Mar Diya.
us waqt Dimag? Bathroom me tha
Pagal? Ne Police? Ko call? kiya.
Hello Police? Koi Nahi? ne Kisi? Ka Qatal? Kar diya Hai.
Police: Oye Kiya Tum Pagal? Ho?
Pagal?: G Mei Pagal? Hu.
Police?: Tere Paas Dimag? Nahi Hai?
Pagl?: G Dimag? toh Bathroom Mei Hai…
Police?: O Bewaquf?
Pagl?: Nahi G Mei toh Pagal? Hu. Bewaquf? msg padh raha hai…
2015 ki top class beizzati
Hanso mat jaldi forward➡ karo
Warna ye message✉ aam ho jayega……;
?Sunny Leone’s mom?: Beti glass ka ?doodh pee lo…
?Sunny: No mama, mujhe nahi peena.
?Maa: Beti agar doodh nahi piyogi to badi kaise hogi?
?Sunny: maa aapko bhi toh doodh pasand nahi,phir bhi aap badi ho gayi, Main bhi nahi piyungi to badi ho jaungi.
?Maa: Achi bachiyan zid nahi karti, Agar meri achi beti ho to doodh pee lo, warna main tum se naraaz ho jaungi.
?Sunny: OK mama, aap kehti hain toh main doodh pee leti hoon..
gut….gut…gut…Aur is tarah Sunny ne doodh pee liya..
?Sunny Leone ka naam sunte hi message end tak kitne gaur se padh rahe thhe !!!bas karo darindo…Soch Badlo…Toh Desh Badlega…Akela Modi kya-kya karega…..
Forward kero… zada haso maat…
Aaj ka sach?
Neend ankhen band karne se nahi
Net band karne se ati hai
Bhuke ko roti
Aur android phone wale ko charger dena nek kaam hai
Pehle log beta ke liye taraste the
Aaj kal data ke liye
Aaj ki sabse badi pareshani
Mobile bigad jaye to beta zimmedar
Aur beta bigad jaye to mobile zimmedar
Badal gaya hai zamana
Pehle maa ka pair chu kar nikalte the
Aaj mobile ke battry full karke nikalte hai
Kuch log jab raat ko achanak phone ka balance khatam ho jaye to itne pareshan ho jate hai
Mano jaise subah tak wo insaan zinda hi nahi rahega jisse bat karni hai
Kuch log jab phone ki battry
1-2% hoto charger ki taraf aise bhagte hai jaise usse keh rahe ho tujhe kuch na hoga bhai
Ankhen band mat karna
My hun na tujhe kuch nahi hone dunga
Kuch log apne phone me aise partern lock lagate hai
Jaise crime branch ki sari group files unje phone me hi padi ho
Galti se phone kisi dusre dost ke ghar chod aye to aisa mehsus hota hai jaise apni bholi bhali girlfriend ko shakti kapoor ke pass chod aye ho
?This is a killer…..
☺First Joke on A Sardarni …
A Plane is on its way to Chandigarh, when Gurpreet in the Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells Gurpreet that she paid for economy class and will have to sit at the back.
Gurpreet replies, “I’m Sardarni, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chandigarh and I’m staying right here”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a Sardarni sitting in first class, who belongs in economy and isn’t moving back to her actual seat.
The co-pilot goes back to Gurpreet and tries to explain that because since she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. Gurpreet replies, “I’m Sardarni, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chandigarh and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot
The pilot says, “You say she is a sardarni? I’ll handle this; I’m married to a sardarni. I will speak sardar’s language.”
He goes back to Gurpreet and whispers something in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry”
and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy class…
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her,
“First Class is Not Going to Chandigarh” ….
What do you call a bee that comes from America?
No claps please!?
What do you call a lady who drinks only one tea in a day?
Acha ek or ☝?
What will you call “Burj Khalifa” after 80 years?
Acha bas ek or ☝?
How do you ask your ‘Massi’ to take a dip in water?
Ye wala last ☝?
How do you say “she is calling a cab” in one word?
Ye wala ek dum last☝
Which Pakistani cricketer does not have a date of birth?
?? Bonus One
What you call a fat girl waiting at the Bus Stop.
Simple its – MOTIVATING.
External examiner: to an engineering student :
Why does a capacitor stops DC but allows AC to pass through?
Sir, capacitor is like this
DC comes straight like this
& the capacitor stops it.
But AC Goes UP-DOWN-UP-DOWN like this
. — .
‘ — ‘
and jumps over the capacitor!
External Examiner : After 30 years of experience.. today I understood the concept of capacitor ?
STUPID questions people usually ask in obvious situations.?
1. At movies:
“Hey ! What are you doing here ?”
Me: “I sell tickets in black here. Don’t you know?”
2. In bus: A fat lady steps on my feet:
“Sorry did that hurt ?”
Me: “No not at all. I’m on local
anesthesia. Why don’t you try again ?”
3. When I get woken up at midnight by a
call: “Sorry ! Were u sleeping ?”
Me: “Na ! I was doing research on
monkeys in Africa. You thought I was sleeping, u stupid fool ?”?
4. When they see me with shorter hair: “Hey ! Have u had a haircut ?”
Me: “Nah !Its autumn. my hair’s shedding !”
5. When someone calls on land-line n asks: “Where r u ?”
Me: “M in market with telephone around my neck !!”
6. When I m washing my car….
Neighbor: “Hey ! Are u washing ur car ?”
Me: “No, I m just watering it so that it grows into a big bus..???
Share if U wanna put a smile on someone’s face..?
New exam pattern
Who is actor in movie bahubali?
Did you see movie bahubali?
Which part of movie bahubali released recently. Part 1 or part 2
Why did Kattapa kill bahubali?
A man entered Hdfc bank with a gun and 2 lakh rupees.
On entering he shot a bullet in the air and
“If somebody tries to move from their seats and try to convince me for any
Life Insurance Policy or
General Insurance or Trading Account or RD or
I’ll start firing..
I came here just to deposit money in my account.”
Bankers way to propose ???
Boy – Tune mujhe koi loan dia tha kya??
Girl – Nahi to, Kyu??
Boy – Pata nahi kyu, Teri taraf Interest badta hi ja rha hai..
एकदिन alia bhatt indian flag लेनेगई
Flag देखकर alia नेकुछकहा ..जिसेसुनकरदुकानदारबेहोशहोगया…..Guess what did she say ?…??…….
BHAIYA ‘इसमेंऔर colour दिखाओ ‘!!?
The thin line between
wishlist and cart is called as ‘aukaat’.
An engineer was removing the engine parts from a racing car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop… He went to him & said.. “Look at this engine… I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back”…So why do I get such a small salary? and u get huge sums….!
The doctor smiled at the engineer. He came close to his ear and said…. “Try the same when the engine is running.”
The story doesn’t end here
The engineer smiled back, came close to doctor’s ear and said
I can pick any dead engine and make it alive . . . . . . . But can you ???
10 boys under a small umbrella Bt nobody gets wet.!!!
cz…it was Not RAINING.
Moral-alwayz dnt think like a scientist.
A normal human CANNOT do it.
Those super heroes are called
Happy Engineer’s Day
we accelerate the world,
we are the gears of progress,
we are the future of the nation,
we are the engineers,
and I am proud to be n engineer.
How Woman Calls Their Husband In First 6 YearsYr
2. O G.
3. Sunte Ho?
4. O Bunty K Pappa
5. Kahan Mar Gaye?
6. Tum Aate Ho K Main Aaon?
Shrabi:” Agar Mere Hath Me
Sarkar Ho To Me,
Desh Ki Takdir Badal Dunga..
Wife:” Haramkhor ¬ Pehle Apna Pajama To Badal Le,
Subah Se Meri Salvar Pehan K Ghum Raha Hai…
Husband :So Wat?
Do U Thnk I love U?
I Was Cheating On U 4D Past 2yrs
U’re Jst For Fun
wife Cried n Sad Kamine
I Ws Talking Abt My Exams
1 Kutta? shaam
se subha tak
Bilkul aise hi..
Husband : Kaha gayab thi 4 ghante se?
Wife : Mall me gai thi, shopping karane.
H : Kya kya liya?
W : Ek hair band aur 45 selfies …..??????????
Ek murgi ?aur uske 3 bache ? road cross kar rahe the. Road cross karne k baad murgi k 1 bache ne kaha,
hum saato ne road cross karli???????
7 kaise..? Socho, read msg again, thoda dimag lagao..!
Bachche??? hai kuch b bolte rehte hai. Tum tension mat lo !!
Arz kiya hai…
Maine hamesha zindagi mein DHOKE hi khaye hai..
Maine hamesha zindagi main DHOKE hi khaye hai..
Sub DHOKE hi khaye hain.
Aap bhi DHO KE hi khana..
Hygenic hota hai…
Sunny Leone goes to a
shopping mall and
She asks the sales man:
“Where’s trial room..?
Madam,what are you
going to hide from us
i have a collection of
Samaz aya to share karo nahi to pogo dekho.
Two Golden rules of Happy Marriage
1) The wife is always right.
2) When you feel she is wrong slap yourself and read rule number 1 again.
By the way this rules also applied on girlfriend.
New teacher joined in the school ?
Teacher :- students tell your names nd hobbies ….
1st boy :- My name is arun . My hobby is watching moon .
2nd boy :- My name is arjun . And my hobby is watching moon .
3rd boy :- My name is vikas & hobby is watching moon .
Teacher :- wow good good ?
Everyones hobbies are same … Ok ….
Now girls turn …….
1st girl :- Hello mam my name is moon …… ??
Teacher shocked …… ★☆★★ Boys rocked ……
This is a masterpiece..
Once a few Englishmen were discussing Indians and said “Indians can’t speak English”
Over hearing this Swami Vivekananda asked them, “can you tell a sentence in which the word BECAUSE comes three times one after another continually?”
Englishmen could not answer and Swami ji replied “You can never start a sentence with because, because because is a conjunction!”
Poem on “TAJMAHAL” by 3 different People.
Taqdir hai magar kismat nhi khulti,
Taj Mahal banana chahta hu,Magar Mumtaz nhi MILTI.
Taqdir hai mgar kismt nhi khulti, Mumtaz milgai hai,
Magar shadi nhi KARTI.
Taqdir hai magar kismat nhi khulti,
Taj Mahal banana chahta hu,Magar Mumtaz nhi MARTI..
BRITISH PEOPLE VS INDIAN PEOPLE
An English Man: why do your Indian ladies not shake hands? There’s no harm..
Indian: Can an ordinary citizen in your country shake hands with your Queen?
Indian: In our country each and every woman is a QUEEN. ??.
Husband: I love you
Wife: I love you too, infact I love you so much I will fight the whole world for you
Husband: but you fight with me the most
Wife: because you are the whole world to me???
“Hai Agar Hamari Koi Khata Tu Sabit To Kar;
Agar Bure Hain Hum To Bura Saabit To Kar;
Tujhe Chaha Hai Humne Kitna, Tu Kya Jane;
Chal Hum Bewafa Hi Sahi, Tu Apni Wafa Sabit To Kar!”
“Saase tham si jati hain par jaan nahi jati,
Dard hota hain par aawaz nahin aati,
Ajeeb se log hain es duniya mein,
Koi bhul nhi pata to kisi ko yaad nhi aati…..”
Dur se dekhaa to kuchh dikha nahi….
Dur se dekhaaa..to kuchh dikha nahi…
Paas jake dekhaa to kuchh tha hi nahi..
“CHAPPAL chhoti ho jaye toh PAAON mein nahi aati
Wah-WahCHAPPAL chhoti ho jaye to PAAON mein nahi aati
Aur GIRLFRND moti ho jaye to BAHON mein nahi aati!
“Dhokha milta hai jab pyar mein,
Zindagi mein udasi chha jati hai,
Sochte hain chhor denge is duniya ko,
Kambakht college me dusri pasand aa jati hai…..
“Dunia mein reh kar sapnon mein kho jaao,
Kisi ko apna bana lo ya kisi ke ho jaao,
Agar kuchh bhi nahi hota hai to,
Chadar-takiya lo aur so jaao….
“Yaroo.. Na karna ishq in ladkiyo seKyunki..
Yeh aati hain Heer ki tarah,Lagti hain Kheer ki tarah,
Chubhti hain Teer ki tarah,
AurAakhir mein halat kar deti hain, Fakeer ki tarah..
IIM Ahmedabad’s final interview question for this year –
Indrayani was married thrice. Sheena is indrayanis daughter but Peter is not her father. Mikhail is Sheena’s brother but Sanjeev Khanna is not his father.
Sheena is also indrayanis sister but Rahul is not indrayanis first husbands son.
Rahul is not Mikhail’s brother but is dating Sheena.
Vidhi is Sanjeev Khannas daughter but Rahul is not her brother.
Arnab goswami is not related to anyone. Sheena was conceived when indrayani was fifteen.
So how old is Mr Das and where the f*** is he now ????
Most Mysterious Murder Cases of India till date.
1.Neta ji S C Bose
If a Tiger ? attacks your mother-in-law & your wife at the same time, whom will you save?
Husband: Of course the tiger, very few are left now.
A msg from
‘Save the wild life’?
Gabbar: ओह ?????
मकानमालिक (किरायेदारसे) –
बेटा, पुरेसालतोइतनीकजिनसिस्टरआतीरहीपरराखीवालेदिनएकभीनहींआई !!
Chalo Daaru Peete Hai ,,,???
Samay Se Chura kar Kuchh Waqt,,, ,,, Chalo Zindagi Jeete Hai ,,, ,,, ,,,
Chalo Daaru Peete Hai ,,, ,,, ,,,
Wo Sapno Ki Chaddar Jo Fat Gayi Hai,,, ,,, ,,, Nashe Me Hi Sahi,,, Aaj Usko Seete Hai ,,, ,,, ,,,
Chalo Daaru Peete Hai … … …????
Usko Bata Do Ki Ab Aur Intzaar Nahi Uska,,, Uske Intzaar Me Na Jane Kitne Din,,, Mahine,,, Saal Bus Yun hi Beete Hai,,, ,,, ,,,
Chalo Daaru Peete Hai … … …????
Aaj Gumnaam Hi Sahi,,, Par Shaayd Ek Din Hamara Bhi Ekk Naam Hoga,,, ,,, ,,,, Isi Ummeed Me Jeete Hai ,,, ,,,
Chalo Daaru Peete Hai … … ..
Five popular lines after drinking..?
1.Bhai hai tu mera
?2.Gadi main chlaunga
?3.Aaj chad nahi rahi
?4.Main dil se teri izzat karta hoon
?5.Yeh mat samajh k main pee ke bol raha hoon
Boy: Daddy I want to marry …
Dad: First say sorry..
Boy: For what, without any of my mistake?
Dad: You first say sorry …
Boy: But what’s my fault?
Dad: You first say sorry …
Boy: Ok, I am sorry
Dad: Now you are ready, your training is complete. You can marry
funny onion jokes and meme for whatsapp
Gullu : What are you doing bro??
Pappu : Just finished Dinner with wife… and now Scotch…
Gullu : Kya baat hai Bhai… Kaun si.. Black Label or Red Label???
Pappu : Abe “Scotch Brite” se Bartan manjne ja raha hoon…
Ab yeh afwah kaun fela
raha hain ki…
Alag alag charger? se
Karne par Mobile ko bhi
AIDS ?hota hain….
Sita ji k vanvaas jane mein bahut badi seekh hai.
Sita ji k vanvaas jane mein bahut badi seekh hai.
Ghar me 3-3 saas ho to jungle hi theek hai .
BoY : Ro kyu rhi ho..??
GaL : Mere Marks bahot kam aaye hai…
BoY : Bata kitne aaye hai..??
GaL : Sirf 88% ..
Boy : Khuda ka Khauf kr ..
Itne mein to 2 Ladke Pass ho jate hai…!!
Straight Insult :
HUSBAND: Ye kaisa khana bnaya h tumne, bilkul gobar jaisa……?
WIFE : Hey bhagwan is aadmi ne to har cheez chakh rakhi hai…
Girl:”meri 1-1 saans pe 1-1 ladka
Boy:”to tum koi accha sa toothpaste
istimaal kyo nahi karti..??..
Sabziwala Sabzi Par Paani Chhidak Raha Tha, kaafi Der ho Gayi .
Customefr gusse mein bola:
Bhaisahab Agar Bhindi ko Hosh Aa Gaya ho to Ek kilo de do…..
The morals of women are going down. Look at Indrani Mukherjea, look at Jhanavi Gadkar, and Sunny Leone, and also Radhe Maa. I am so disgusted that not even
one of them is in our group!
For Pepsi Ranbir
For Coke Aamir
For Mirinda Asin
For Fanta Genelia
For Slice Katrina
For Thums up Salman
Aur Ganne Ke Ras ke liye Admin ko Chunna hai!
New Diseases of Whatsapp Users:
1. Wrong post in wrong group syndrome
2. Non-reading earlier post dystrophy
3. Repeated posting neurosis
4. Late replying psychosis
5. Non-immune religionitis
6. Sudden disappearancitis.
Why are people so worried about the ‘blue ticks’ on Whatsapp?
It’s just a messaging service…
and not a Pregnancy Test!
Mobile has taught us three things:
Whatever makes you happy – save it.
Whatever makes others happy – forward it.
Whatever’ll make no one happy – delete it.
Sit in grief and depression for the whole day and nobody shows interest in knowing what’s wrong.
But smile seeing a message on your phone and the whole damn world wants to know what’s the message!
Please message me on WhatsApp only between the following timings:
Morning: 6am – 11:59 AM
Afternoon: 12pm – 3:59 PM
Evening: 4pm – 7:59 PM
Night: 8pm – 5:59 AM
I don’t like being disturbed during rest of the time as I’m really engrossed in my work.
You can bombard me with messages on weekends as I am relatively free!
Mobile ek MANDIR hai;
Whatsapp uska DEVTA;
Group Banane Wala PUJARI;
Message Bhejne Wala DANI;
Padhane wala BHAKT;
Aur Reply Na Karne Wala…
I just wanted all of you know that I’m leaving Whatsapp.
This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a tonne of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humour and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So see you .
The real story behind Facebook buying WhatsApp:
Recently Whatsapp sent a message on Mark Zuckerberg’s mobile: ‘Your one year subscription has ended, you must buy Whatsapp now.’
Zuckerberg took it way too seriously!
A Couple’s life on Whatsapp and Facebook:
Wife: Ghar Kab Aa Rahe Ho?
Husband: Pata Nahi, Dimaag Mat Khao!
Wife: Dear, when will you be back? You’re the best husband in the world. Miss you, please come back soon.
Husband: Thanks for being there always… so lucky to have a wonderful wife in you. Honey, I’ll be back soon!
Aao Aaj Apko Mobile Pe Whatsapp Pe Film Dikhate Hain
Yeh Thi Rajesh Khanna Ki super-hit film
Thank you Mat Bolna!
I just bought a new car for myself. The car’s number is pretty unique as anyone can know my name through it. My car’s number is WV733N. Can you find out my name?
Just read the car’s number upside down and you will know why.
rbal is a witty trader who trade of a mystical fruit grown far in north. He travels from one place to another with three sacks which can hold 30 fruits each. None of the sack can hold more than 30 fruits. On his way, he has to pass through thirty check points and at each check point, he has to give one fruit for each sack to the authorities.
How many mystical fruits remain after he goes through all the thirty check points?
Remember we told you that Birbal is a witty trader. So his sole motive is to get rid of the sacks as fast as he can.
For the first sack:
He must be able to fill fruits from one sack to other two sacks. Assume that he is able to do that after M check points. Now to find M,
(Space in first sack) M + (Space in second sack) M = (Remaining fruits in Third Sack) 30 – M
M = 10
Thus after 10 checkpoints, Birbal will be left with only 2 sacks containing 30 fruits each.
Now he must get rid of the second sack.
For that, he must fill the fruits from second sack to the first sack. Assume that he manages to do that after N checkpoints.
(Space in First Sack) N = (Remaining fruits in second sack) 30 – N
N = 15
Thus after he has crossed 25 checkpoints, he will be left be one sack with 30 fruits in it. He has to pass five more checkpoints where he will have to give five fruits and he will be left with twenty five fruits once he has crossed all thirty check points.
Roy was suffering from severe headaches. He went to see his doctor and the doctor gave him five tablets asking him to take one tablet every 15 minutes.
How much time will it take Roy to consume all the five tablets?
Roy will be able to consume all the five tablets in an hour.
Tablet 1 will be taken in 0 min.
Tablet 2 will be taken in 15 min.
Tablet 3 will be taken in 30 min.
Tablet 4 will be taken in 45 min.
Tablet 5 will be taken in 60 min.
A couple had to take shelter in a hotel for they could not proceed their journey in the rain. Having nothing to do at all, they started playing cards. Suddenly there was a short circuit and the lights went off. The husband inverted the position of 15 cards in the deck (52 cards normal deck) and shuffled the deck.
Now he asked his wife to divide the deck into two different piles which may not be equal but both of them should have equal number of cards facing up. There was no source of light in the room and the wife was unable to see the cards.
For a certain amount of time, she thought and then divided the cards in two piles. To the husband’s astonishment, both of the piles had equal number of cards facing up.
How did she do it?
The answer is very simple. All she had to do is take the fifteen cards from the top and reverse them. This would make another pile out of that and there will be two piles – one of 15 cards and one of 37 cards. Also both of them will have the same number of inverted cards.
Just think about it and if the mathematical explanation will help you understand better, here it is.
Assume that there were p inverted cards initially in the top 15 cards. Then the remaining 37 cards will hold 15-p inverted cards.
Now when she reverses the 15 cards on the top, the number of inverted cards will become 15-p and thus the number of inverted cards in both of the piles will become same.
If neha is 10
Both Sonali and priyanka is 15
Both sadaf and tanu is 10.
how much is prinka by the same system ?
prinka is 10, in a system that awards five for each vowel.
It takes ten minutes to fry a steak (five minutes for each side). You are frying the steaks in a pan that can accommodate only two steaks at one time. What is the least amount of time by which you can fry all the three steaks you have?
After frying for five minutes, you can take out one steak and put the third one inside while turning the other one inside. After five more minutes, one steak is fried from both sides and you can take it out. Now put in the steak that we removed and turn the other one inside. After five more minutes, they both will also be fried from both sides.
There is uniqueness between these five names
Nell Edna swati itaws and Ellen.
what uniqueness am i talking about ?
Either your read from start or from ends, it will be same
A 50m wide river is flowing endlessly. Two boys are standing near the lakeside, wanting to cross the river. A boat is tied to a tree nearby. The boat is however weak and can carry only one person at a time.
Both of them still manage to cross the river. How did they manage to do it?
Both of them were able to cross the river because they were standing on the opposite sides of the river.
A taxi driver was going the wrong way on a one-way road. A traffic police officer noticed him but instead of stopping him or fine him, he let the driver go.
Why do you think that happened?
The question tells us that a taxi driver was going the wrong way. It is however not mentioned that he was driving the cab. As per the question, it is evident that he was on foot and that is why the police officer did not fine him.
A police officer got out of his patrol car and saw a boy. He walked up to him asked him, “What’s your name?”
“Shut up!” the boy replied innocently.
“Where’s your manners?” asked the insulted police officer.
“Up that tree,” said the boy nonchalantly, pointing to a proximate tree.
“You’re seeking for trouble, aren’t you?” said the police officer.
“No, trouble’s seeking for me!” the boy replied sincerely.
What is happening here?
Actutally, the name of that boy is “Shut Up,” and he is playing hide-and-seek with two of his friends who are named “Manners” and “Trouble”. “Trouble” is the one who counted and he is looking for the other two boys. “Manners” is hiding up in the tree.
Open your mind for tricky approaches for this question. You are trapped in a remote place with barren land all around you. You are standing in the middle of a jaguar, a tiger and a leopard. You have a gun along with you that is loaded with two bullets in it. Now the animals are really hungry.
How will you survive this situation
It is simple. You kill the two animals with two bullets i.e. tiger and leopard and then make a run in the Jaguar (a car brand).
Money has different names. It depends on how you are using it and where you are using it. If you don’t believe us, here are a few examples:
Money given in school is called fees.
Money offered after a service is called tip.
Money given by master to the subordinates is called wage.
Money borrowed from bank is called loan.
Money paid to government is called tax.
Monet given in court is called fine.
Money given to kidnappers is called ransom.
Judging by the above examples, can you tell what do we call the money given by a husband to his wife?
It is called harmony. The reason is simple. The husband receives peace after giving that money to his wife.
Lucy and Hannah are playing lawn tennis together. They decide to play a set of three. After the sets, both of them win each three sets.
How is this possible?
Well, this is possible. They were playing as a team in doubles match against other team.
Jack and Jill are found dead on floor. The maid of the house is shocked to find it. There are no traces of any struggle on their bodies. Not a single sign of cut or bruise can be found on their bodies. Also, they did not die of poisoning. Near their bodies, a broken bowl was found and there was some water on the floor as well.
Can you deduce how they died?
Jack and Jill are the names of two clown fishes. Unfortunately the bowl they were living in fell on the floor and broke into pieces. Thus both of them died.
While playing ping pong, your ball suddenly fell into a metal pipe (a narrow one). This pipe was rooted on the floor surface 1 foot deep. What you have with you right now is a thin rope, a wooden stick, your tennis paddle and a plastic water bottle with mouth that won’t fit in the pipe.
What will you do to take that ball out?
Did you concentrate on the point that it was a ping pong ball? Also that you have a water bottle with you. We never mentioned that it was empty. So what you will do is simply empty it in the narrow pipe and the ball will come up floating on the water. All the other things that were mentioned served just as distractions and if you were not able to find a way, they all worked quite well.
You wake up on an estranged island. You look everywhere and you find nothing. You search everywhere on the island and finally come across three torn pieces that can be joined to make one.
How will you escape the island using those torn pieces of paper?
PS: You have no other resources and you can’t build anything of your own.
Nothing is the name of a boat that has been lying docked up to one corner of the island. You found it first and then the torn pieces of paper reviled a map that can be used to navigate while driving that ship. Thus using them, you will be able to make an escape.
A young lady was approached by an elderly woman who took her hand and meeting her eyes said to her, “You look starkly similar of my daughter. I lost her last month. I loved her a lot. Can you do me a favor? Can you say ‘Goodbye mother’ as I leave this restaurant. I will feel good if you do.”
The young lady was puzzled but seeking her kind eyes, she agreed. As the elderly woman was leaving the restaurant, she said, “Goodbye mother” waving her hand toward her with a kind expression on her face.
Soon after, she received the shock of her life. Can you guess what it was?
The young lady was presented with a bill which belonged to the elderly woman. She had asked the waiter to collect the bill from her daughter.
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.
Patel agitation reaches Bollywood
Ameesha patel & Upen Patel demand reservation of at least 3 movies every year
Parthiv Patel is also asking reservation in Indian cricket team.
alia bhatt has suggested Hardik Patel,
if reservation is not happening he can opt for Tatkal
A Boy and A Girl were playing Ludo…
Boy: Agar 1 se 5 mein se aaya to I will Kiss you
Girl: What?? Acha aur 6 Aaya To…
Boy: Kabhi Ludo Nahi Kheli Kya?
6 Aaya To dubara meri bari..!!
In a school, A teacher asks the new student her name.
The girl replies, “Happy Butt.”
The teacher says, “I don’t think that’s your name. You need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.”
The girl goes to the principal’s office and he asks, “What’s your name?”
The little girl says, “Happy Butt.”
The principal calls the girl’s mother to get the truth.
After getting off the phone, he says, “Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.”
The girl exclaims, “Glad Ass… Happy Butt, What’s the difference?”
I doubt my husband has been cheating on me….
I have doubt on one woman…. what to do?
Take your husband to that woman’s front door…
and see if his wifi connects automatically. .:D
Wife saw board outside a shop
“Monsoon Offer Only for today” :
Banarsi saree 10/-
Excited Wife to Husband:
Give me Rs. 500,
I’ll buy 50 sarees..
Husband – Birbal ki maa, istri ki dukan hai vo !
Ghar me kalah hone ke baad, Pati ne gusse me pankhe se rassi ka fanda latkaya…
aur stool par chadhkar rassi ko gale me daalne ke liye taiyaar ho gaya
Patni: Jo kuchh karna hai, jaldi karo
Pati: Tum mujhe shanti se marne bhi nahin dogi?
Patni: Mujhe abhi stool ki jaroorat hai ?
After 70 years, you still address your wife as Darling, Love, Honey!
Whats the secret?
Her name slipped from my mind 10 years ago!
And i’m scared to ask, what it is?
Wife: Kitna acchha hota yadi main kitaab hoti aur har samay tumhari aankho ke saamne hoti!
Husband: Kitna achcha hota ki tum Calendar hoti taaki main har saal badal liya karta ?
1st Lady: Behen, Suna hai ab tum teesri shaadi kar rahi ho?
2nd Lady: Haan, behen, Kya karoon..pehle Pati allah ko pyaare ho gaye the, aur dusre Padosan ko!
1st Lady: Patni har janam me wahi pati kyun chahti hai?
2nd Lady: Taaki uss pati ko sudharne me lagi mehnat bekaar na jaaye ?
Pehla Aadmi: Tumhe yeh chhota medal kisliye mila?
Dusra Aadmi: Gaane ke liye
Pehla Aadmi: Aur yeh bada medal?
Dusra Aadmi: Gaana band karne ke liye!!
Teacher was teaching Mahabharata to 6th standard students.
“Kans heard devaki’s 8th son would kill him. So he put devaki & vasudev in prison. 1st child was born. Kans killed it by poison. 2nd Kans killed by sword. 3rd was born and so on…”
At this point Pappu raised his hand for a doubt.
Teacher : What?
Pappu: “If Kans knew that the 8th son would kill him, why did he put devaki & vasudev in SAME jail?”
Teacher fainted !!
Common sense man! Kids bhi samjhdar hote hain aajkal.
A mechanic was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle.
When he saw famous heart surgeon in his shop,
he called the surgeon and said “look at this engine i opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back, so why do i get such a small salary and u get such a huge one?”
The doctor smiled at the mechanic and came close to his ear and said
“Try the same when the engine is running” !!
Ek baar char dost the,
Anta Singh, Banta Singh, Canta Singh and Danta Singh
Chaaro ne mil ke petrol pump khola
Ek bhi customer nahin aaya ..
Pata hai Kyun..?
Coz Petrol pump was on 1st floor..
Fir charo ne usi floor pe restaurent khola…
Phir Ek bhi customer nahin aaya..
Pata hai Kyun?
Petrol pump ka board nahin hataya..
Fir charon ne Restaurant bech kar paise se taxi lee…
But Ek bhi sawari nahin aayi…
Pata hai Kyu..?
Coz 2 dost aage aur 2 piche baith ke sawari dhund rahe the..
Ek din Taxi kharab ho gayi…
Charo ne khoob dhakka lagaya…
but taxi wahi ki wahi…
Pata hai Kyu..?
2 aage se aur 2 pichhe se dhakka de rahe the…
Fir charo ne 1 bachhe ko kidnap kiya…
Bachhe ko kaha ghar ja apne baap se 5 lac rs le kar aa,
warna tujhe maar denge.
Bachha ghar gaya aur uske papa ne paise de bhi diye….
Pata hai Kyu..?
Coz bachhe ke baap ka nam SANTA Singh tha…!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I am an Indian… and these make me more so..
when the shampoo bottle seems to be over, I pour some water in it, shake it, and use it for another bath.
That for me a toothpaste isn’t over until I’ve entirely flattened it out and started rolling it up from the back.
That I buy broccoli and avocados for 300 Rupees, but still ask for some dhaniya patta for free.
That I don’t just recycle gifts, I recycle the gift-wrapping paper too.
Our home has fine bone china crockery which is used only when guests visit.
That I worry about price of gold without any reason of buying it!
That I will beat the crap out of my remote to make it work but not change the battery
I get so disappointed if the pani puri guy doesn’t give a free sukha puri in the end when I ask for one.
That I won’t have my breakfast and starve myself if I have been invited for a lunch buffet.
That when my T-shirt gets old, I use it as night wear, when it gets older, I play holi in it & then I use it as a pochha.
That I ask for extra oregano and chili flakes from the Dominos guy, so that I can use them later in Maggi.
Hamara Bank aapko bina interest ke loan de raha hai..
Jab dene mein interest hi nahi hai, to kyon de rahe ho?
School: Ye Duniya Ye Mehfil Mere Kaam Ki nahi…
Tution: Idher Chala Main Udher Chala Janey Kahan Main Kidher Chala.. .
Maths: Ajeeb Daastaan Hai Ye Kahan Shuru Kahan Khatam..
Science: Aa Khushi Se Khud Khushi Karle…
Exam: Choti Choti Raatein Lambi Ho Jaati Hain.. .
Result : jab dil hi toot gaya ham jeeke kya kare…
Pass: Aaj Lagta Hai main Hawa Mein hoon Aaj Itni Khushi Mili hai…
Fail: Chann se Jo Tootey Koi sapna jag soona soona laagay…